♥2.01.2011♥
Haha it's been so so so so so long since I last blogged but there's absolutely nothing else I can do and if I don't write my feelings down quick I'm going to burst Dx
You know, since last year I've been laughing off my low self-esteem. D: I kept thinking that it wasn't really a big deal and i wouldn't really affect anything that I did or tried to do. But now, it feels like everything I'm saying, thinking, feeling, doing has to be judged throughly before I can even carry it out. I feel like I'll never be the person I want to be, that I'll never be good enough for anyone, and mosyt importantly, I'll never ever ever be good enough for myself.
Whenever something bad happens, I blame everything on myself. I always feel that I'm the imperfect irritating one that should always get the blame. Whenever things actually go right, and I feel on top of the world, no matter how happy I am or try to be I will always keep thinking that life's just too good to be true D: I keep thinking that it's not possible that someone as horrid as me can feel happiness and I always end up destroying it by over-thinking, over-acting before I can do anything else.
Why why why am I always destroying my own life! Dx Sometimes I used to think I couldn't change the way I am, it's just a twist of fate and I'm destined to be like this but it's not anymore.
I'm not going to let myself come in the way of the things I do, to destroy my own happiness and my own life. So hahahahaha officially! (: On today, Chinese New Year eve! (That's an auspicious date right? (: ) I just want to try to be a better person. Starting from now on, I won't question myself! (: I just want to be a free person, to know that I'm not worse than anyone, (: and that I can do anything as long as I want to! I want to eat, live and laugh freely without thinking 'I bet something bad's going to come along later' all the time
I know that by tomorrow I'd probably be back to my normal, upset and doubting self but I just want to try. (: Cos we create our own destinies and I'm going to make sure mine turns out just alright (:
|
|
|
